Part way through the afternoon, I realize that if I could find a way to fake a sunburn, I could conceivably use "I have a really bad sunburn, and cannot come into work," as an excuse for missing a day. Most likely a Monday. This is exciting.

I have come to this riveting conclusion because I've been repeatedly asked, "How are you doing?" today, in the normal polite rues of conversation. And, I have responded with a slight grimace, followed by a whiny, "I have a sunburn." I don't know why I feel like sharing that fact (other than it's engrossing my every thought, as even standing in one place shoots searing, burn-pain all over the back of my body), but it's worked out for the best. Intriguingly, each person I tell comes to a complete halt of their daily goings-on to tell me volumes about their own worst sunburn stories, or the range in fairness of their skin, their ethnic background, whether their mothers/fathers/cousin's niece's daughter had skin cancer, how old they were when they first got a sunburn, what power of sun block they use, what power of sun block I should use, where they were when they got sunburned last, their friends' sunburn stories, what type of lotion I should use, what color they are when they get a sunburn, what color I look right now... And god love them, if they've actually had skin cancer, I get to see the scars.

This has been going on for hours now, and my theory is that if enough people can empathize with your affliction, then it has to make a great excuse. Unfortunately, I didn't think of that this morning (moronic-Monday be what it may), and this is why I am here… I am also here for the money, but that's beside the point.