The elevator is always a crapshoot for me. It has that awkward air of sitting next to someone on an airplane after you initiate conversation. If there are only two of you, and no other distractions, aren't you hesitant to engage the other in small-talk? Because, honestly, what if you run out of things to say? Then comes the inevitable awkward silence. I don't think so... not me... What do you expect me to do, stand there for the next thirty seconds looking at the floor-counter, waiting, WAITING, for my floor to come, as I shuffle my feet, and shoot sporadic and cumbersome smiles to the person I just tried to speek to… and now wish would just be the bigger man and get off the fucking elevator? No. Thank. You.

Or what if you know the person in the elevator that you are riding in, and then you are obligated to say something. Ha, Ha! Not always. Sometimes you both just sit there silent, ignoring the grossley obese pink elephant that is standing between you, taking up the other 2,480 pounds capacity.

These are all amusing situations that usually give me a rush better than a speedball on Christmas morning. But the best is overhearing conversations, while surreptitiously standing in the background.

Today, after incurring a brief silent stint with me, a guy, and that pink elephant, my companion and I were thankfully joined by two other people. The first is a woman so large, I fail to recognize how she walks through doors (we will call her "SoL"), and then an Older Gentleman ("OG").

SoL: Looking intently at OG, (dare I say drooling?) "That was so darn funny, don't you think?"

OG: "Yes, it was amusing to see her react like that…" He looks at his feet and begins to shuffle.

SoL: "I know it was HI-larious, she just loved it."

OG flashes that magically combersome smile...

SoL: "I mean, those were the most perfect key chains I ever saw…"

Stop. waitasecondnow.

Never mind that I didn't realize key chains could come in "perfect," but: I. Ever. Saw.

I ever saw? Taken completely by surprise at the numerous grammatical mishaps in the latter part of that sentence, I quickly exited the elevator and returned to my chair.

"I EVER SAW." I sat staring at a blank sheet of paper, my elbows resting on the top of my desk, my hands rubbing the temples of my head.

Okay. Let me just try and lay this one out: How do you say that the key chains you just happened to view in the last week or so were the most impeccable ones that you have ever encountered in your entire fucking life?? Because I know it's not "I ever saw."

Is it "I ever seen?"

Rubbing temples harder: "I have ever saw?… I had ever saw? … I have ever seen? … IS that appropriate?!?"

"I'd ever seen!" Yes. That sounds right. I. Had. Ever. Seen.

But, does that constitute speaking in the past tense? Because apparently she was witness to these god-like key chains in the recent past, which means that since then she could have happened upon EVEN more indefectible and sublime key chains, which she isn't mentioning. But if she hadn't since then, at this moment, shouldn't she say, "I have ever seen?"

O' My God. My brain is beginning to ooze out of my ears and soak into the computer keyboard.

It's 5:15. I'm going home.