So, I've been gone for about 3 years.
Miss me?!?
I didn't think so. I didn't really miss me either. Course I was with myself the entire time, so I didn't get a chance to grieve.
I've also been leading a pretty exciting life and this is a forum for monotony and repetition. So, there will be no recap as I do not want to crash my site. But let me just tell you it involved a boat, drugs, the Atlantic Ocean, and the Sundance Film Festival.
No. I will not elaborate.
Alright! Let's just jump right in where we left off shall we? Except for there are a few differences.
1. I am not a temp: This is a permanent job that allows me to do nothing. (Fun!)
2. I am three years older, which makes this blog infinitely more sad. (but still hilariously unproductive!!)
3. I work for a magazine: When there is not insignificant oddities, and random distractions to report on, I will be reporting on my job (sooo not as entertaining, but informative, and therefore hopefully interesting... maybe funny... probably funny, lets see how long I can stay sober, anybody taking bets?).
4. Oh, and I will be reporting on my nights as well: Some weird shit has been happening, and it would make for good lackinglife fodder (though I will be keeping any substance related issues to myself... it's up to you to guess. You might win a prize if you guess correctly. Double-lottery-drug-doing Fun!!!)
So, that's it. Welcome back!
I'm going to go take a nap in my car.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Friday, May 27, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
I think someone just ran into a wall.
There was a wail of commotion, a flitter-fluster-patter of sprinting feet down the hallway, a few more voices echoing emergency, then a resounding thud, and a piece of paper gently floating down to the floor right outside my cubical.
And now, silence.
I'm not going out there. That would just be stupid.
There was a wail of commotion, a flitter-fluster-patter of sprinting feet down the hallway, a few more voices echoing emergency, then a resounding thud, and a piece of paper gently floating down to the floor right outside my cubical.
And now, silence.
I'm not going out there. That would just be stupid.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
OMG.
Oh. My. God.
I just made a horrible, horrible mistake.
I asked the "Kay" woman what a particular meeting was about in the conference room, and found out it was about HMOs, then she proceeded to give me a rundown of her entire medical history, with a few choice quotes (i.e. "there's nothing wrong with my eyes, except for, I can't see) for a duration of time as to cause me temporary paralysis and blindness to the left side of my everything. "Kay" has apparently a lot to say and not enough people to say it to and I accidently fell into her line of yearning, lonely, sight. I'm getting out of here.
It's 5:15. I'm going home.
Oh. My. God.
I just made a horrible, horrible mistake.
I asked the "Kay" woman what a particular meeting was about in the conference room, and found out it was about HMOs, then she proceeded to give me a rundown of her entire medical history, with a few choice quotes (i.e. "there's nothing wrong with my eyes, except for, I can't see) for a duration of time as to cause me temporary paralysis and blindness to the left side of my everything. "Kay" has apparently a lot to say and not enough people to say it to and I accidently fell into her line of yearning, lonely, sight. I'm getting out of here.
It's 5:15. I'm going home.
Why is it that stupid people flock toward elevators like an extremely obese person to a chocolate chip cookie? (Yes, I've been mentioning the hefty quite frequently, and no, it's not because I'm callous, it's because I can't see past them and that annoys me; like a compact car behind an SUV, you get pissed off too, right?).
At lunch today I had to go to a different high-rise building to obtain my paycheck and ended up in the elevator with a woman in a light-blue sweatshirt with a picture of a cottage on it, forest-green sweat-pants, large (but short), blond, curly hair, and the expression of an ant eater, that lost all of its ants.
As the elevator was about to close, a woman from outside frantically yells to wait, and our little dimwit friend, accidentally pushes the close button, instead of open. Luckily, the woman running to the elevator got her hand in just in time to have it crushed as the doors closed... then, of course, they slowly opened again. At this point the "one cow short of a herd" woman says, "I always do dat, press the close inted of da open." Then the elevator starts to buzz because, obviously, it's pissed-off that someone just rammed their hand through its hole (you would be too), and the woman then says "now dats you who startid makin all dat noise, why you complainin'?" giving a good stern reprimand to the abusive and angry elevator.
I gave a polite laugh. "Heh."
The other woman holding her hand did not (though it was just as moronic of her to stick her hand into an elevator when the door is about to close, but whatevs, I've done that).
The woman finally gets off the elevator, then before my entertained little corneas, looks left, right, and a little lost, then does a spin as fantastic as a Unicorn during a snowstorm in July, and exits stage left.
Elevators = Stupid People Heaven.
At lunch today I had to go to a different high-rise building to obtain my paycheck and ended up in the elevator with a woman in a light-blue sweatshirt with a picture of a cottage on it, forest-green sweat-pants, large (but short), blond, curly hair, and the expression of an ant eater, that lost all of its ants.
As the elevator was about to close, a woman from outside frantically yells to wait, and our little dimwit friend, accidentally pushes the close button, instead of open. Luckily, the woman running to the elevator got her hand in just in time to have it crushed as the doors closed... then, of course, they slowly opened again. At this point the "one cow short of a herd" woman says, "I always do dat, press the close inted of da open." Then the elevator starts to buzz because, obviously, it's pissed-off that someone just rammed their hand through its hole (you would be too), and the woman then says "now dats you who startid makin all dat noise, why you complainin'?" giving a good stern reprimand to the abusive and angry elevator.
I gave a polite laugh. "Heh."
The other woman holding her hand did not (though it was just as moronic of her to stick her hand into an elevator when the door is about to close, but whatevs, I've done that).
The woman finally gets off the elevator, then before my entertained little corneas, looks left, right, and a little lost, then does a spin as fantastic as a Unicorn during a snowstorm in July, and exits stage left.
Elevators = Stupid People Heaven.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
TEMP THE GUINA PIG, PART III:
Piece of advice to be charished, treasured and heeded:
If you find a perscription medication bottle, and the expiration date reads 5/16/2003, don't try and take the medication because you're bored and you want to see what happens.
It's just not a good idea.
The end.
It's... like 4:12? I have no idea I can't read the time, but I'm going home anyway.
Piece of advice to be charished, treasured and heeded:
If you find a perscription medication bottle, and the expiration date reads 5/16/2003, don't try and take the medication because you're bored and you want to see what happens.
It's just not a good idea.
The end.
It's... like 4:12? I have no idea I can't read the time, but I'm going home anyway.
TEMP THE GUINEA PIG, PART II:
So, through some slight research, which you can do for yourself (I provided a link atleft right), I found out that Meridia is an anti Obesity Pill. Though, I apparently sound Obese when I walk, I am not even close to the fact, but I do know that any kind of pill that lends itself to the fight against Obesity, also lends itself to the fight against boredom, and the fight for productivity. So, about an hour ago I put on my Meridia Cape (large italic M, with little whoosh marks behind it* as to appear speedy) and began my journey into the world of "random prescription med I probably should not be taking."
After some time, I began to work, but also became distracted by the sever dilation of my pupils and the fact that I feel, not only really stoked out, but minorly affectionate… toward everyone.
Then I actually read the information on the web-site: "Meridia is a class of drug known as monoamine (serotonin and norepinephrine) re-uptake inhibitors. It falls in the same class of many anti-depressants such as Prozac." or, as it were MDMA. Which I will not go into explination.
Oooppps. "Serotonin re-uptake inhibitor," is not the same as "suppresses appetite and speeds up metabolism" which was my initial guess. So, I'm not really speedy, more like I feel the need for a good techno song and some fuzzy gloves… maybe a massage.
Well, at least I really REALLY like doing my filing right now, even if I am really entertained with how smooth the paper is.
* = M
So, through some slight research, which you can do for yourself (I provided a link at
After some time, I began to work, but also became distracted by the sever dilation of my pupils and the fact that I feel, not only really stoked out, but minorly affectionate… toward everyone.
Then I actually read the information on the web-site: "Meridia is a class of drug known as monoamine (serotonin and norepinephrine) re-uptake inhibitors. It falls in the same class of many anti-depressants such as Prozac." or, as it were MDMA. Which I will not go into explination.
Oooppps. "Serotonin re-uptake inhibitor," is not the same as "suppresses appetite and speeds up metabolism" which was my initial guess. So, I'm not really speedy, more like I feel the need for a good techno song and some fuzzy gloves… maybe a massage.
Well, at least I really REALLY like doing my filing right now, even if I am really entertained with how smooth the paper is.
* = M
*sang to the tune of happy birthday* Good morning to me. Good morning to me. Good morning tooo meeee. Good morning to meee.
Coffee? Check.
Fruit plate left over from partner meeting this morning? Check.
Bills that I brought from home that I plan to pay today? Check.
Little Rx pill called Meridia that I found in a drawer at my desk? Check.
Stoked on finding out the effects of Meridia? Double-Check.
For the last few weeks, I have purposefully (well actually not purposefully, if I could have been compelled to do any work, I would have, I swear to … whatever, but I couldn't…) not done any work. Now I have a stack of papers that measures approximately.. hold on… 15 inches… which would be basically a foot and a quarter of paper. Stacked. That I have to file. If you take into account that a "ream" (not my word) of paper is 2 inches and contains 500 sheets of paper… after we do some simple multiplication, with a little pre-algebra just for sass and flair, we find out that I have approximately 3,750 individual pieces of paper in a pile on my desk just waiting to be filed.
And with my little pill of Meridia… I'm going to do it.
I'll let you know how that turns out.
Coffee? Check.
Fruit plate left over from partner meeting this morning? Check.
Bills that I brought from home that I plan to pay today? Check.
Little Rx pill called Meridia that I found in a drawer at my desk? Check.
Stoked on finding out the effects of Meridia? Double-Check.
For the last few weeks, I have purposefully (well actually not purposefully, if I could have been compelled to do any work, I would have, I swear to … whatever, but I couldn't…) not done any work. Now I have a stack of papers that measures approximately.. hold on… 15 inches… which would be basically a foot and a quarter of paper. Stacked. That I have to file. If you take into account that a "ream" (not my word) of paper is 2 inches and contains 500 sheets of paper… after we do some simple multiplication, with a little pre-algebra just for sass and flair, we find out that I have approximately 3,750 individual pieces of paper in a pile on my desk just waiting to be filed.
And with my little pill of Meridia… I'm going to do it.
I'll let you know how that turns out.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Über-Secretaries:
Über, being German for over, in the sense of greater, or "in superiority to," or "in preference to," which to me sounds a lot like Hitler's definition of the "chosen people," and reasoning for "the extermination of the jews."
and
Secretary, being "a desk with a small bookcase on top." Wait that's not right… sorry, it's "a person employed to handle correspondence, keep files, and do clerical work for an employer or an organization," if you take the word "person" and replace it with "bitter woman" we have our winner.
So, when you use them in succession we've got: "a German he-woman who thinks they are the chosen people, or in the superior ranks of the bitter women, whose livelihood consists of menial, menial tasks that monkeys should be trained to do*"
*I'm not saying that monkeys would like it either.
So there are a few Über-Secretaries at the firm that I work at. Unfortunetly, they are the best at their jobs, so you desperately want these women on your side, because if they smell incompetent fresh-meat (which by the way smells a little like 3 day old Salmon) they will rip you apart with their filed down teeth, and stick a letter opener up your ass. And that is exactly what has been happening to me by one of them, at an uncomfortable frequency.
Not that I'm incompetent, but unfavorably, one of the Übers who had actually liked me, and had respect for me before, found out that I don't like to file (which qualifies me as lazy), and therefore began her reign of terror.
Terror includes the following:
- Not looking up from your desk when I ask you a question.
- Scoffing at the question I just asked you, and saying "I don't know, I don't do that, ask someone else!"
- Snapping at me when I use the copy machine by your desk to make one copy to be scanned, because that is the logical thing to do and say "Don't use that copier, gawd!"
- When I try to explain the logic behind my decision, exclaiming this odd, "fffffsssstttt"-like, cat hiss from your oral orifice to shut me up.
- Standing next to me to wait for the elevator, then begin to talk small talk to someone else, completely ignoring my presence, saying "I have so much work to do…"
- When I chime in to make a comment, "really, I could help out with some stuff –" (obviously trying to take some of her work load off of her) continue to ignore me, and speak right over me.
- Then finish your conversation by saying to the other person: "Yeah, I opened my book last night, and I just couldn't do a thing. I've got a long night ahead of me. I hate pre-algebra."
Hold the phone. Pre-Algebra? This is the Queen-Über of the floor… she's probably 39 and has a glandular problem, and she's taking Pre-Algebra… but more than that she has "a long night ahead" of her toiling, and sweating over the pages of a 7th grader's math book… that I did for fun when I was 10?
Reign of Terror Complete. Any intimidation has now been deflated and is lying in a pool of ooze on the floor.
Yes. It's 5:15. I'm going home.
Über, being German for over, in the sense of greater, or "in superiority to," or "in preference to," which to me sounds a lot like Hitler's definition of the "chosen people," and reasoning for "the extermination of the jews."
and
Secretary, being "a desk with a small bookcase on top." Wait that's not right… sorry, it's "a person employed to handle correspondence, keep files, and do clerical work for an employer or an organization," if you take the word "person" and replace it with "bitter woman" we have our winner.
So, when you use them in succession we've got: "a German he-woman who thinks they are the chosen people, or in the superior ranks of the bitter women, whose livelihood consists of menial, menial tasks that monkeys should be trained to do*"
*I'm not saying that monkeys would like it either.
So there are a few Über-Secretaries at the firm that I work at. Unfortunetly, they are the best at their jobs, so you desperately want these women on your side, because if they smell incompetent fresh-meat (which by the way smells a little like 3 day old Salmon) they will rip you apart with their filed down teeth, and stick a letter opener up your ass. And that is exactly what has been happening to me by one of them, at an uncomfortable frequency.
Not that I'm incompetent, but unfavorably, one of the Übers who had actually liked me, and had respect for me before, found out that I don't like to file (which qualifies me as lazy), and therefore began her reign of terror.
Terror includes the following:
- Not looking up from your desk when I ask you a question.
- Scoffing at the question I just asked you, and saying "I don't know, I don't do that, ask someone else!"
- Snapping at me when I use the copy machine by your desk to make one copy to be scanned, because that is the logical thing to do and say "Don't use that copier, gawd!"
- When I try to explain the logic behind my decision, exclaiming this odd, "fffffsssstttt"-like, cat hiss from your oral orifice to shut me up.
- Standing next to me to wait for the elevator, then begin to talk small talk to someone else, completely ignoring my presence, saying "I have so much work to do…"
- When I chime in to make a comment, "really, I could help out with some stuff –" (obviously trying to take some of her work load off of her) continue to ignore me, and speak right over me.
- Then finish your conversation by saying to the other person: "Yeah, I opened my book last night, and I just couldn't do a thing. I've got a long night ahead of me. I hate pre-algebra."
Hold the phone. Pre-Algebra? This is the Queen-Über of the floor… she's probably 39 and has a glandular problem, and she's taking Pre-Algebra… but more than that she has "a long night ahead" of her toiling, and sweating over the pages of a 7th grader's math book… that I did for fun when I was 10?
Reign of Terror Complete. Any intimidation has now been deflated and is lying in a pool of ooze on the floor.
Yes. It's 5:15. I'm going home.
Yeah yeah yeah. I didn't write anything past Tuesday of last week. I noticed. Honestly though, if you read my two posts, you can see that the trend of my life was a basic black hole of boredom that threatened to envelope and suck in all matter that got close to its vacuum of unruly apathy and lamentation, crushing the spirit of life and joy with its anti-gravity pressure of skull-fucking tedium.
So, I chose not to update it, and you are the better person for it.
Actually, I will update it…. wait a second...
There - I went back and updated the last few days.
and I will find a way to entertain myself this week if it means stripping off all of my clothes and streaking through the reception area with my really loud shoes as to make sure everyone notices, then running into a wall with my elbows exposed just to see what happens. Oh yes, I will find something to entertain myself with.
So, I chose not to update it, and you are the better person for it.
Actually, I will update it…. wait a second...
There - I went back and updated the last few days.
and I will find a way to entertain myself this week if it means stripping off all of my clothes and streaking through the reception area with my really loud shoes as to make sure everyone notices, then running into a wall with my elbows exposed just to see what happens. Oh yes, I will find something to entertain myself with.
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